Saturday, March 21, 2015

Instructions for getting BBQ in Lockhart


Recently, my friend and head of my support network mental health wise, the Benevolent Gnome (name has been changed not because she is innocent by any means but because she is the size of a gnome and is very helpful) emailed me to ask for a BBQ recommendation in Lockhart as she had an out of town guest visiting. She suggested I post the instructions I sent her, so here it is:

Remember, it's Smittys. On the way into Lockhart, you will see a new looking building with a big nice parking lot. Pull in there, have everyone pile out of the Gnomemobile. Face the the building and jointly scream: "fuck your electric smoke pullers"-pile back into your transport, pull out of the pristine Kreuz lot, farting out the doors as you go. Drive over the bridge, look for the Blacks sign, ignore it and turn right into the shitty, and this weekend, muddy parking lot.

You will now be at the back of Smittys.  As  this is your first time, you are not allowed to use the back entrance. People have been known to get too excited and pee themselves. The alkaline of the urine fucks with the smoking process.

Walk around the building to the front. Go through the front screen door. You are now in the Cathedral of Meat. Sit down on the benches there and breath in the goodness, this also gives you a little time to calm down so you won't urinate on yourselves.

Now keep walking. You will come up on a line. Get in the line. Send someone else inside to the other line. Oh yeah bring cash, Smittys don't truck with no plastic shenanigans. They did put an ATM machine in a while back but I have never known it to have any money in it. Not that I would use it anyway, cuz when I go to Smittys I either have cash or I always have a check in my wallet for said purpose. You are new, bring cash.

The meat line person should get the following as a minimum:

1/2 pound brisket per person. Take what they give you. Do not dare ask for lean. I will never speak to you again (I will continue to email however). You are allowed to ask for burnt ends though, in fact if you don't or say you don't want any if they offer it, immediately turn around and leave, you do not deserve to darken their doorway, leave one of your party in the fire as a tribute, probably the visitor as he will not be missed for a while. 

2 hots per person (one to eat there and make white trashy amuse bouche* out of), 1 to take home and put in fridge to eat later with rat cheese on crackers)

1 pork chop-y'all can share this, it's fucking big.

Shit load of ribs. these are good cold as well.

Ask for some chicken When they stop laughing, just pretend you were not serious and silently curse me for making fun of you. Of course they don't have fucking chicken, vegetables are not allowed in the smokers.

Whatever other meat you want is fine, just make sure you get the basics.

Crackers and white bread. WHITE not even think about asking for wheat bread....

Do not ask for sauce, they just use it for profiling and the tang is from the urine collected from first timers who did not know they were not supposed to go in the back entrance.

The person inside needs to get:

1 pickle
3 jalapeƱos
couple of chunks of rat cheese
drinks (frosty orange soda is best option but I'll leave that to you to figure out)
1 avocado
1 tomato (optional)...actually fuck the tomato, you don't need it
big slice of onion

Go sit down, sit near the people dressed in camo who are quiet and have well behaved silent children who are so gorged on meat, they cannot speak.

Eat till you pass out, go back to the meat line, repeat, do this till they throw you out.

*White Trash Amuse Bouche:

slice of hot ( I assume that because there are men (and you) in this journey (the Steve Perry version, not the Filipino boy man) for meaty coma, that there will be at least 3 sharp folding knives, one of which should be serrated and a lock blade, there should also be one fixed blade in a pouch on a belt, if not borrow one from one of the camo guys, give the them some burnt end in exchange)
dash of Louisiana hot sauce
square of rat cheese
slice of pickle
slice of jap (no not the camera toting tourists sitting not to close by, the pickled vegetable kind)
bit of avocado

Pop the whole thing into your mouth, wash down with orange soda or drink of your choice…...

1 comment: