Monday, June 29, 2015

FaceBook Is Not Always Our Enemy (and a public service announcement from BLACK FLAG)

Yes, I am on FaceBook.  Yes I have multiple pages and belong to a bunch of groups, like a lotta stuff my "friends" post up, etc...etc...I am annoyed at it most of the time. But it really is not as Evil as I would make it out to be and in spite of it's seemingly random posting rules, I do get some use out of it and it does spread the word pretty well....

There is this page: Depression: We Gotta Break Free

The DogRanch started this page as a way for people to share with each other how they get through the day while suffering from Depression, Anxiety, BiPolar, SUD....etc...etc....

Hit the link and go take a gander....


DEPRESSION:We Gotta Break Free


And once again: BLACK FLAG lays out on the line and stomps on it....play it loud, jump around wherever you are and sing along, the lyrics are right there!


Wednesday, June 24, 2015

Mr. Motherfucker, You Know Who I Am...

(Luna does her best Nick Cave Impression)


Here is some more news from nowhere...nothing too serious..nothing about being depressed or batshit crazy...at least not my batshit craziness or depression or no one else I know...

One of my favorite artistes/musicians/songwriters/screenwriters/writers/whatever the fucks is Nick Cave. I have been listening to and following his career since the first Ex Mrs. Martin (and the wonderful mother of my beautiful progeny, Cydney...more on that later_) turned me on to him, staring with his first most well known band, The Birthday Party. Actually, the first band was The Boys Next Door  but is just semantics more or less so lets not get fucking bogged down, shall we not?
Ok, moving on, I am fucking tired, so gonna make this easy on myself...here are some of my favorite Nick Cave and The Bad Seeds (originally known as Nick Cave and the Cavemen, but once again, semantics and we already said we were not really gonna go there so don't fucking hassle me about in the comments) videos.

This first one was directed by John Hillcoat who Cave would work on with movies as a screenwriter and soundtrack bedeviler.  Its called Bring it On and comes from what is universally considered to be Nick's worst album, Nocturama. I'm not sure I agree but that is not the point right now....
This video is way silly and got many negative reviews as being sexist , misogynistic, etc... all of which it is. However, if you cannot see the tongue in cheek, smart ass aspect of this and realize they were pulling the mickey, well, you just take yourself to god damn serious:

Here the boys are along with Chris Bailey of Australian power pop/punk trouble makers The Saints.



Ok...now how about this one? Nature Boy is from Abbatoir Blues/The Lyre of Orpheus, a pretty spectacular in double albums. I really like this song a lot and the video is brilliant if for nothing more than Nick is wearing a brown suit and his hair is not swept straight back:


Next up is Stagger Lee from The Murder Ballads, probably Nick's most successful and revered album. For this one, we are gonna watch it live from Nick's show at Austin City Limits...it's a long one but hang in there, it's worth the journey Mr. Motherfucker:


OK...just one more, cuz I need a motherfuckin' nap.  This is quite possibly my very favorite song that Nick and his wily cohorts have ever done.  This is a Bob Dylan song off of Down in the Groove which is considered to be Bob's absolute worst album ever. I really do not listen to or follow Bob that much (could be that he has the same name as the self destructive voice in my head, or I am not a Bob Dylan fan...most likely a combination of the two). Nick's version is on Murder Ballads and has Kyley Minogue, Shane McGowan and Blixa Bargeld singing verses. I really cannot tell you why I like this song so much (well, I could but then somebody would call the guys with the big butterfly nets to come commit me again). Jive on Nick:


okey dokey, that's it for now..hope ya'll enjoyed (or not, no skin off my nose)...more later...


Friday, June 12, 2015

Fight it Like You Stole it....

Hey Gang o' Pals...first off, the soundtrack for this post is "Baby Blue" by Badfinger.  This was the song that played in the last episode of Breaking Bad as Walter White dies in the Nazi's Speed Lab after he has taken every one else out and Jesse has escaped.  This post is dedicated to my friend Keith who loved that show. We would always compare notes post episode.  He missed the last half season of so because he could no longer take the day to day struggle of of keeping his head up any more so he hung himself.  It was difficult to watch the rest of that final season and after every episode I wrote a little note to Keith to let him know how the season was winding down.  This is an insanely fucked up thing to say but I was mainly angry at Keith not because he killed himself but because I knew that I was gonna have to wait a long time before I got to do myself in, cuz the impact on our group of friends and family would just be too much.  I love you Keith, Luna and I think about you a lot and we really miss you, take care. We know you found Moby to hang out with....(there is supposed to be a picture of Keith and Moby here but this laptop which has actually given me many years of pretty decent usage is now attempting to commit electronic hari kari, it's all good, I need to write more about Uncle Keith more anyway at a later date)

This post is gonna be the last god damn piece I write about my experience with Electro Convulsive Therapy (ECT).  Originally it was gonna be a free form tirade about my negative experiences and the side effects that I am still trying to recover from (some that are never going away) 3 weeks out from the last electrically induced seizure. Instead, I'm just gonna let you know what happened.  This is strictly my opinion and what I know from personal experience and my own research. I'm not gonna back this up with a bunch of links and posts from psychiatrists arguing the merits. It just is what it fucking is.

Statistically, 85-90% of people who Ride the ECT Lightning show improvement and the abatement of depression symptoms and characteristics.  I am one of the 10-15%. Bottom line, it did not work. I am still depressed and have free floating suicidal ideation running rampant through my brain.  I got shocked three times a week for about two and a half months or so, evidently got turned into a mumbling goofball for that time period and completely eradicated some older memories from before the sessions started and did not allow memories to form (for the most part, I have some tiny pieces from that time that have no connection to anything) during the months of March through May. I went to movies, got tattoos, had dinner at my favorite restaurants with great friends and do not remember any of it. I had phone conversations, email exchanges, texts back and forth, Facebook posts and messages that I have no recollection of. I went to group and individual therapy, AA meetings, friend's country property and as far as my brain is concerned, none of it fucking happened. I know that people took me to and fro from my treatments but I don't really know who or when they did it.  Luckily, I was taking a shitload of notes as I tend to do so I have been able to backtrack and figure out what the fuck was going on.  I owe my life to my friends and family but I can't remember what they did for me or when.  My folks brought my sister who I have not seen in forever down to visit me, we went out to eat and well, you get the idea.  My biggest heartbreak over this period goes to the fact that my daughter Cydney brought her boyfriend down from Dallas to meet me and I DON'T FUCKING REMEMBER IT. IT'S LIKE IT NEVER HAPPENED, at least on my end.

It's taking some time for me to realize and be comfortable with the fact that it all happened and that I actually behaved in a kind and friendly manner. I am still figuring out through texts, etc...who helped me so I can properly thank them but I am pretty sure I won't get to everyone...there really are just too many....it's a good problem to have when you have a cabal of friends who watch over you and keep you safe when your brain is not firing on all cylinders.

My first fairly cognitive memories post ECT start on May 23 at the Hole In The Wall. Jeff Smith of the Hickoids/Gay Sportscasters/Saustex Records fame had set up a fundraiser for longtime Austin malcontent/ferociously good guitar player Davy Jones who is dieing of cancer.
Jeff asked me to stage manage the back stage as bands were playing the front and back stages alternately so there would be very little downtime.  I felt fucking awful but there was no way I was gonna turn down the opportunity to be a part of that maelstrom. I spent a few years as the Hickoids Road Mangler and traipsed across the country a few time with them. Davy and I even shared a couple of girlfriends (not at the same time). It really was not a Hickoids tour until either Jeff or I got in a fist fight with Davy, usually over the purchase of cigarettes or some other minor shenanigans.

I got to talk to a lot of people I have not seen in a long time and I got to feel like I was doing something productive for a change.  I drank a shit load of Topo Chico and herded band cats around. Actually, all the folks in the bands were complete badasses and no one (that I can remember, so who fucking knows)needed to be reminded of why they were there.  I was sort of back amongst the living.

So, since that time, I have been coming out of the haze and I recently went back to talk to the Chief Electrician at Shoal Creek, Dr. Garcia (who also is a big Clash fan, so I already trusted him to a certain extent before we even started this electro disco shock dance) to discuss how the ECT experiment was over.  He agreed with me that it did not work and that the main side effects (the memory issues)were too much for me and were making things worse.

So now we are back to medication discussions as the the modern stuff I am on is not really working either.  That discussion is for another blog in the future. My battery on the laptop that is going to be thrown in front of a Capitol Metro Bus in the near future won't charge anymore, so I gotta hurry the fuck up and finish this. Its probably a good thing actually, cuz it means I am not gonna meander on forever griping about my brain.

So, lets wind this fucker up....Here are 2 questions that pop up:

1-Am I upset that I tried it (ECT)?- For the most part, no. How in the fuck are you supposed to figure out if something works if you don't try it?  I mean, I would never know that I love sushi till I put thta first piece of dead fish in my mouth.

2-Would I recommend it to anyone else?- I would recommend that you have a serious discussion about the possibilities with your docs, do some more research on your own, consult with family and friends and make the best decision you can.  I mean it worked for Princess Leia and a lot of other folks so it cant be all bad.

This is one of those experiences that falls under "better to regret something you have done than something you havn't"

Onward through the fog folks. I am committed to keep fighting this plague of locusts that seem to be following me around....more soon...love y'all...jason

Monday, June 8, 2015

DO YOU REMEMBER WHEN?

Good Morning gang o' pals....three weeks post last ECT session and I am able to form memories again...figuring what happened during tha 3 minth time frame has been comical, challenging, and a little bit worrying. Luckily, I did not go on a homicidal rampage or walk naked down congress avenue on a first Thursday although I am not sure anyone would notice that anyway.

I still have a fuck load (that's a lot) of memory issues. I can't remember the names of people I have know for decades, restaurants I have eaten at numerous times, passwords (that is a fun problem to have, OK not really)...I cannot find a bunch of stuff that I put away during my ECT blackout (thats the only term that seems to fit)

Lots more later but wanted to get the basics up...got my John Doe summer haircut so at least  have gotten something productive done...