Friday, August 28, 2015

When You Are Sad and When You are Lonely...

I have not written much about my mental health journeys lately. I both have wanted to and not wanted to.

Writing about the battles going on in my noggin that attempt to belittle my soul; well, it helps a great deal. The problem is that it forces me to think and process all the shenanigans going on in my little shriveled pea brain in much greater detail. This is painful on a molecular level; so much so at times that I do everything possible to avoid it.

Recently though, doing everything to avoid it has turned into basically nothing. Whereas I should be working on various artistic and creative endeavors that would bring myself and possibly others some semblance of joy, I do as close to nothing as I can.

In trying to not process what is going on in my head, I just end up obsessing over it all more and in increasingly excruciating detail.

Time to get some of this shit out so that I can hopefully get something productive and positive done.

I recently finished an 11 month program to help with my various issues.  It was five months inpatient and 6 months outpatient; a long slog for sure but valuable and useful, at least for me. This was court mandated, just in case anyone thinks that I was smart enough to get help on my own; well, you would be very dead wrong. I am definitely not that smart. I will write about this program and its champions in the future. I have written about them some but The Gnome, Honey Badger, The Fixer, Boy Scout and the others involved in running that program deserve some more ink...

What I want to write about now, is what has been bubbling under the surface for a while now. I probably have already written about this part of my psyche but this will probably be in a fair amount of more detail.

I have a lot of ghosts that rattle around in my skull. They are all people I met, a good portion of them from my years as a Paramedic at Austin/Travis County EMS, who are all dead, some from just before I got there to the scene, some shortly after.  Yeah, real life in EMS is not like Rescue 911, a lot of people die.

In addition to those brief acquaintances, I have some more folks taking up space in my synapses who I am much closer to on a spiritual level. They are three people I was/am close to. People I talk to on a fairly regular basis.

1. M-My cousin who died when she was 15. This was many years ago.
2. K-My friend who died when he was 47 (or so). This was a couple of years ago.
3. D-My friend who died when she was 28 (I think, somewhere around there). This was last year.

The common denominator  all three of these fine folks who I love dearly and would give anything for them to still be around alive and kicking is that they all killed themselves.

I am going to write about them in turn and won't be going into great detail in this missive. This is an introduction. If I write it down, I have to follow up.

I know it will help me, maybe it might help others with similar thoughts and issues; so it has to be done.

M will be the first. My dear, sweet, beautiful cousin took a violent leap off of this mortal coil when she was 15 years old. This was over 25 years ago but on some days and in my dreams, it feels like it was ten minutes ago.

Ok...thats all I can do for now. Now that I have started, it should come flowing fairly soon. Yes, these are going to be some dour posts for the next few times. But they should be also chock full of joy as we are all better off for the variable brief times that these three folks inhabited the living world.

To end this, I am going  to post, once again, this video from Nick Cave and various cohorts performing Bob Dylan's "Death is Not the End"...


  1. Thank you Jason for being brave enough to write about your journey. It does help writing about it, getting it out of your head and helping to heal yourself. (At least I find it does for me) I hope that in the next few posts you will be able to continue to write and release the things that so torture you and you will find peace at some point. Take good care of yourself.

  2. I think their stories need to be told and you've been chosen as their storyteller. The telling will begin to heal everyone. Don't give up. Keep going. You have a lot of support, even if you can't see or feel it.

  3. Amen to that Jennifer, well said and very true. It is helping others. And true also about J having lots of support even if he can't see it or feel it. :)